.... the Desires of your Heart

I was working on a blog post for this week about being content in your life while still following your dreams. That is a concept I am still trying to wrap my head around. 

What I have been thinking about and struggling with lately is the overwhelming desire in my heart to gain ownership of our own little piece of land and start a farm.

When I say overwhelming I mean (aside from really staying committed to my prayer life and Bible reading, taking care of my husband and son, and trying to remain transparent in my ministry) the only other thought on my mind at any given point of the day is…. the farm. I would even go as far to say that I am mildly, if not minimally, aggressively consumed with it.

Now to be honest, there have been seasons throughout my life where I have been obsessed with the idea of winning the lotto.

Even more so, my amazingly youthful imagination will take that a step further, or really like a bazillion steps further, to dreaming about what I would do if I were a multi-billionaire.

I always have known during those bouts of unrealistic dream marathons that these wants and desires were not given to me by God. They were a complete work of my flesh wanting what inevitably during those times I did not have and that was, quite simply, security.

Those dreams and notebook filling plans always came about when we were at our lowest points in life. When money was not coming in and bills were not being paid, and food was scarce… that’s when my pen came out and I started filling dozens of note books with all the ways we would be the most excellent stewards of a win like that. 

The funny thing is, all during those times while I was wishing and hoping for a magic genie to arrive, God was busy moving mountains in our lives.

  We could look back on a three month period when we had no jobs and the supplemental income wasn't coming close to cutting it, we could see that somehow rent was paid on time every month. How it got there was never the same way twice. Each time was very much unexpected. All the times and all the ways were God providing for us.

Now here I am, a closer relationship with God, a belief and understanding of His true provision and love, and I am still dreaming about something I don’t have. I have come to a place where I am starting to question whether or not this desire, not new but now outstandingly loud, is another product of my flesh or a glimpse into a promise from God.

Many Christians will say; “Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalms 37:4

OK, I am good with that, but what does that mean, exactly? David was writing about seeing hope and restoration in times of trouble.  Delighting ourselves in the Lord means that we should seek our happiness in God; in who He is, His perfect love, and His ever-present friendship. Only then will He give us the desires of our heart.

To seek my happiness in God is not something I actively do. Seek peace, seek provision, seek leading, and seek discernment? Yes. But seeking happiness is not something I think I have ever done. Does that make me a terrible Christian? Well, I don’t know what you think, but I think it means I am most certainly not done learning and growing and as long as I am learning and growing I’m not rotting.

So, I will discover more about how to find happiness in the Lord. In the mean time I still have this farm dream to figure out.  Is this dream a dream from God or a product of my flesh?

I have had dreams about being rich, going back in time and rectifying some choices, changing my body inside and out, owning my own business, and having lots and lots of children.

Today, I no longer desire worldly wealth.

I mean come on, who wouldn't breathe just a little easier if no one had to worry about the bills? My new dream in regards to money is to take control of it instead of it controlling me. That’s a lesson I am learning every day.  Truly if by some chance I wound up with millions of dollars, I can promise you I would give most of it away.

I no longer wish to change my past.

That’s an immature dream as I've learned that regret is not of God. I only wish to learn from my past and present mistakes daily and be better for it.

As far as my dream for re-designing my body inside and out, I truly only desire to be healthy and have no desire to be skinny or perfect skinned or to have perfect hair.

My husband thinks I am beautiful and my son told me this week that I am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. That’s enough for me.

The dream of becoming my own boss has never gone away. I have bookshelves full of instructional material on how to become an entrepreneur or how to run a successful restaurant. My dream really is about being completely in control of my own time.

That it doesn't belong to anyone else. Just another example is this a me thing or a God thing?

I still feel an aching from time to time to grow this little family, but I am settled in my faith knowing that Tristan was in Gods time and anyone else who comes along will be as well.

Today I don’t want any more children but in three weeks I could be looking into foster care. It comes in waves for me possibly just to keep me in the loop that perhaps God is not done with me in that area quite yet. Who knows?

Now, for the farm dream.

I have a sneaking suspicion that the origin of this dream comes from the same place as the “Millionaire dream”.

After having such epic peaks and valleys in our lives, a desire to grow our own food so we no longer have to rely on grocery stores or bank accounts sounds very appealing. But I am quite certain that is more than that. Yes self reliance is attractive, but as we already have experienced, there is no such thing as “self” reliance for us. I mean we could pretend that we are responsible for all things in our lives, and though our choices can sometimes dictate our situations we are never entirely alone in our directing our steps in this life.

Do I think the farm dream is a desire put in my heart by God? I don’t know. What I am 100% sure of is as I embark on this journey to seek Him, His Love, His grace, His friendship and find joy and happiness in Him, that He will give me the desires of my heart. Also, I believe I will know the true desires of my heart and I bet my pastor’s wife tonight one hundred dollars that the desires of my heart at the beginning of this journey could very well not be the desires of my heart at the end.

I am excited about this new revelation and I hope I have encouraged you to evaluate your dreams. Don’t throw them away but seek a new joy in knowing Him and have your dreams secured and promised.