Understanding Loss

I have sat down to write this post about a dozen times since three weeks ago when we found out we were going to miscarry. It’s been harder for me to write about than I thought it would as I have had countless miscarriages in the past. I couldn't figure out why this was so hard to talk about or to be honest about how I was feeling. Today, after church and visiting with some friends- I felt a revealing spirit come over me and I was ready to put it to paper or to the wide world of internet as would be.

To go back to fully understand the history of our journey with pregnancies we need to go all the way back to 2002. Ben and I were married in October and began trying for a family almost immediately. Three years later when there had been nothing happening we went to see a fertility specialist. We discovered then that I had poly cystic Ovaries. Meaning I had cysts on my ovaries that could be preventing ovulation. 

 After some oral medication to help move the process along, and still nothing- our Doctor told us this very phrase; “I am afraid that without extraordinary measures, you will not be able to conceive and carry a child.”

That was devastating to hear as we didn't have “extraordinary” funds to pay for such measures. And to be quite honest, we had watched some very close family members go through all of those measures and the struggle it put them through.

After a couple months Ben and I decided, well if we aren't going to have children- we will continue to work in children’s ministries and get a dog. A week after Christmas in 2004- one week after picking up Kenya, our now 10 year old pit mix, we found out that we were 6 weeks pregnant.

Now, our Doctor tried to claim some ownership of this miracle, but we told him. “You said that a pregnancy would not be possible without extraordinary measures- We serve the King of Extraordinary and you don’t get any credit!”

My pregnancy with Tristan was without issue. Aside from my stubborn gallbladder and pulling a uterine muscle… it was an event-less pregnancy and he was born healthy and happy and we were beyond blessed.

When Tristan was 2 we started trying for a second baby. This is where our journey became more of a roller coaster. For 1 almost 2 years I had somewhere between 7-9 early miscarriages. This happened so often that I stopped telling anyone about it, sometimes not even my husband. It destroyed us every time even though we never knew we were pregnant until I began to miscarry.

So, that brings us to now…. 5 years later, I take a pregnancy test in late June because I was late… and to our complete and total surprise a second, very faint line appeared.  You have to understand we haven’t had a positive pregnancy test since Tristan. We were shocked and in

complete and total disbelief. I sent pictures of my 4^th, 5^th, 6^th, 12^th test to friends and family to get some help on the test results.

Soon thereafter I scheduled a Dr Appointment. My test there was also light so they were just kind of watching to see what would happen. A week later I started cramping. My doctor took me out of work and put me on modified bed rest. We kept watching and waiting. I know they were waiting for me to miscarry but I never did. My HCG numbers kept rising, not doubling but rising. Around what they thought was 9 weeks they did an internal ultra sound and found the gestational sack only measured 5 weeks. So again, watch and wait we did for three more weeks.

This is where things got really difficult. I took my son and my mom with me to see the growing baby for our 2^nd internal ultrasound. However, when the image came up on the screen and I saw the gestational sac, nothing in it and the same size it was three weeks earlier, I knew in my heart something was wrong.

I sent my son with my mom to the lobby. I wanted to be the one to explain this to him, not a doctor.

So, the diagnosis was a blighted-ovum. There never was a baby.  I’m not going to get into the details of this medical term, but the bottom line is…. It’s considered a chemical pregnancy. I suffered morning sickness, a swelling uterus, food craving and aversions as well as supersonic sniffer.

That day, when I arrived home I began to miscarry.

I find that I have been battling myself in mourning the loss of, perhaps not a baby because a baby wasn't there but the hope and the desire … that was real and that truly is what I was mourning.

I haven’t screamed out WHY? It hasn't been that kind of sadness.  I trust my God implicitly and know He has a plan for our lives and our family. I am not going to begin to try to decipher the message in this…. Because I know for sure, I probably wouldn't understand it if I had it.

I will confess, however, that for Ben and I both, what this pregnancy did was open up our hearts to having another baby or bringing into our home another child. We had been pretty closed to the idea. I mean, we aren't getting any younger- we are both in the worst shape of our lives… and our son is turning 9 in less than a month.

So, in all where we are now is simply- faithful. There are three verses that have stood out to me during this time.

Psalms 138:8

 The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever. Do not forsake the work of your hands.

Romans 8:28

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

Romans 12:2

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

The title of this blog is “Understanding Loss”. The most I can offer to this is that it’s not about understanding the why to the losses in our lives. It is truly instead saying…. “OK God. I trust you, I believe your purpose for my life is perfect and I love you.” If we all who lose people or dreams in our lives could or were at all able to go to our knees and declare this truth…. I am not saying it will make the hurt in our hearts go away but I have experienced the healing and peaceful settling that comes with giving it to God. After all, it belongs to Him in the first place.

Thank you all for staying connected and I look forward to new and exciting postings as we amp up for Bowl Full of Blessings 2015